Thursday, March 6, 2014

Princess Puppet Master...by Gina Waite

Just this last weekend I got a notice on my iPhone that it was time for another software update.  I was reluctant to upgrade because Apple definitely did NOT work out all the kinks before issuing the last one.  I decided to go ahead with the updating and everything seems to be working out just fine...in fact a little better than before.  That got me thinking....wouldn't it be nice if our brains had an internal software update every-so-often?  Like...say, once a month our brains would be set for an automatic upgrade that would help us think, process information and run at optimal efficiency for the tasks at hand!  Nah....then we may become robots that do whatever the programmer thinks instead thinking for ourselves.  Which reminds me of the time that my Mother took Valium for a post-surgery dental appointment and my sister, Lora, decided she would make all my Mom's decisions for her...by whispering into my Mom's ear while she was half-asleep, doped up and completely agreeable to all the requests my sister made of her!



It was 1995...such a stressful time in my Mother's life.  She was planning a wedding, readying two sons to go out into the world for church missions AND undergoing massive reconstructive dental surgery.  To say my Momma needed some drugs to help lessen the physical, and probably emotional, pain she was experiencing was a HUGE understatement!   As my Mother came home from her dental procedure, she popped her pills with a Pepsi and lounged out on the recliner in front of the T.V.!  In those days, my Mother rarely took ibuprofen so to say the she was a pharmaceutical lightweight would be putting it mildly!

You must understand, my Mother was rarely seen in a seated position during the daylight hours...which drew immediate attention from ALL within the household...for we knew if my Mom wasn't moving at light speed, something was amiss!  That's about when my sister walked into the house....Enter Lora!  To know her is to love her, she's like a lab rat on amphetamines!  The girl has tireless energy and is always ready, and willing,  to help...whatever the plight!  Once in the house, she immediately went to my Mother's side.  First and foremost out of concern for my Mom (this girl was my Mom's BFF) but she was also well aware that if my Mom DID opt to take the medication, she wanted a front row seat for the SHOW that would surely ensue!   .....And....Oh what a show it was!  Lora proceeded to ask my Mom questions similar to these:

Lora: "How are you doing today Mom?"
Mom's answer: "Green!"

Lora: "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Mom's answer: "Marlene!"

This continued for quite sometime until we were all seated round about my Mom and  Lora...known hereafter as Princess Puppet Master!  It was all fun and games until my Mom, almost incoherent, started asking my sister for her advice in answering the questions.  She would say, "What sssshould I say Lor" to which my sister would obligingly whisper HER desired answer into my Mom's ear and my Mom would parrot the answer she heard, right back!  My brother's, being the opportunists they were,  started offering suggestions for questions my sister should ask my Mom.  Then, with a  promise of payment, asked if Lora would coax my Mom into answering in their favor...for example:

Lor:  "Is it okay for the boys to take the car and go to the movies?"
Mom's answer with Princess Puppet Master's help: "Of course you caaaann take the ccccaar!"

Lor:  "Is it a problem if the boys pay for the movie with your credit card?"
Mom's answer with Princess Puppet Master's help: "You bbbet...it's in my waallllet!"

This continued until my Mother, completely inaudible and practically unconscious, could no longer move her lips....to which my sister improvised and decided she would act as ventriloquist too!  With her fingers, Princess Puppet Master took my Mother's lips and began to answer the boys questions...all while moving my Mother's lips in time with her own response.  I think even Gepetto would have been appalled!  All I can say is if you are in need of a good laugh, or your source of entertainment has been limited...find a family member going in for dental surgery, grab a video camera and wait for their return...I know I DEFINITELY wish our video camera was rolling!